It was only too predictable that the controversy over the events leading to the death of Terri Schiavo would not end with her last breath. Having been a funeral director for over 40 years, I have seen many families extend an ongoing feud in life into the area of funeral arrangements. What should be an occasion for a beginning of healing and a genuine outpouring of grief becomes a battleground. One faction wants cremation; the other wants burial. One wants a church service; the other wants no religious services of any kind. And it goes on and on.
But who is considering the rights of the deceased? Doesn't the person who died have some rights too? Even if the person's wishes aren't explicitly known, shouldn't the individual receive a service consistent with his or her beliefs in life? Was she a member of a church and involved in it? Then probably a religious service should be planned. Was he a WWII veteran and proud of it? Then shouldn't there be a military service regardless of what the family thinks of the current war?
What about the rights of the friends and relatives? Shouldn't they have some formal way of expressing their grief and extending their hand of support to the family? In the very public events leading to the death of Terri Schiavo, was there an American alive who was unaware of what was happening? Regardless of what we thought was the right course of action, surely everyone felt sorrow for the person whose image we saw nightly. She became, at least for now, almost part of our own family through the incessant media attention. Every day we were involved in the legal maneuverings and the inch by inch progression toward death. Don't we too deserve some way of saying good-bye, even if it is only vicariously through viewing a televised service.
If nothing else, this should motivate everyone to do the kind of planning that can avoid this whole bitter mess. Make your living will, health care and financial powers of attorney; draw your will and trusts, if necessary. But don't forget the funeral arrangements! Don't put them in your will because it probably won't be read until long after you are buried or cremated. At the very least tell your spouse or other closest relative what you want. Better yet put it in writing. Every funeral home will be happy to provide you with a form that allows you to outline your wishes.
While you're at it, check out a few funeral homes; you'll be surprised at the differences in prices, helpfulness, attitudes and range of offerings they have. With a few phone calls, you will become a well-informed consumer and not have to deal with major financial and emotional decisions on the worst day of your life.
Can you make these decisions legally binding on your survivors? That depends. In many states, once the person is dead, the next of kin or the person who has the power of attorney can make the funeral decisions even if they are not what the person wanted. Some powers of attorney extend beyond death, at least into the making of funeral arrangements. For all practical purposes, though, having a written documentation of your funeral wishes and communicating them to you family is usually sufficient to keep your funeral out of the battleground.
After all it is Your last impression; shouldn't you have some say about it?
